You've got to move. You've got to get yourself going towards the ideal. That's all there is in life. I wanted to create a post that totally disparaged the people who I have allowed just enough room in my life to hang be, because they did. I won't. They got all the publicity they deserved when it happened. I forgive them. I understand that what happened is a part of my experience in this life, and I cherish it for what it's worth and for what it's doing for me.
Genesis 50:20 put is as eloquently as I have ever experienced this statement "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people." Starting with my own.
This life was meant to be lived. I found myself sharing my philosophy of the fact that I believe I am already dead with someone dear to me. This was of great shock to him and once he said " I think that's what losers think" I had to think. What do you mean by that? And then I wondered why he would say something like that. "I think it means you've given up, that there's nothing to live for". Unknowing I had. My experience with death so close and so early on was meant to be a lesson to me, that I must make haste with this time I was given, and I must make plenty with the talents and love which God has bestowed on me. Instead for some time I chose to use it as a reason to be emotionless an reason to cry I reason to wonder why i had less, and that simply wasn't the case. Even today as I find myself in what would seem like the most daunting situation a I have ever face, I find myself emboldened unto new heights and empowered to face the next steps with a blessed assurance unlike I have ever felt.
Today I checked into a Shelter for transitional youth. Is that what I am? That would seem to be the reality of this. I have rededicated my life to God, and I know that God has placed the gift of "feeling" "entertaining" "singing" and above all Inspiration into my life. That is what I'm meant to share, and that's what I will share with everyone. With all and everything that I do I will empower people to greatness, by most definitely aspiring and acting towards greatness in my life. I give myself 90 days or less to be here. I'm currently working at a Record Label to record my mixtape/album and then I will get a part time job so that I can get my own place. I called about a place on Hollywood Near Hollywood and Highland and it was $2000 for a 1bedroom! YIKES.
Action plan:
Secure a Part Time Job for $$
Save enough $$ to move to Hollywood
Market for the label
Write everyday
Record Songs for my demo
The meeting of these goals will serve as my birthday present to myself this year.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Realty check.
October 7, 2011
I have this overwhelming sadness in my spirit that is beginning to bleed into life. It feels like everyone I care about is turning on me, and I am forced to wonder what the part that I play in this whole life is. Some part of me says that It’s this deep seated resentment I have towards myself for not being the man that I know that I am to be. Right now I have no money, no job, no girl, no car, no place and what feels like nobody. I wish I were capable of crying, and I’m trying to force/allow some tears to experience catharsis….to no avail. Tonight I told my twin sister whom I love so dearly “Fuck You”. I didn’t really feel to bad about it when I did it. It seemed like the perfect representation of exactly what I felt at the time. I wonder if I have gone too far, if our relationship is beyond repair…..
A couple of days ago I pressed my aunt’s buttons until she “excused me” from the office. Whatever that means. I had been thinking of resigning for a few days, and I saw my out. We haven’t discussed that face to face, and I can definitely feel the coldness freezing in my heart towards her…but for no good reason. This is something that I brought upon me.
I feel like I have a great grip on reality when it comes to everyone but me, and I just can’t seem to understand why. What am I doing right? What am I doing wrong? All that bullshit doesn’t even matter to me right now because it’s about what I have to do. Music. I’ve played myself for far too long and haven’t given myself the chance to feel and live the life that I want to live. THAT is why I am representing hatred, and anger to all those around me…because I feel that way towards myself. No more. I forgive you L’aurence for not treating your life with the care and concern that you treated others. I forgive you L’aurence for experimenting with different roads in life, you’ve gained useful knowledge. I forgive you L’aurence for “checking out” of the “working world” to see what it means to truly skirt by. Now, I beseech you to live your bliss. It is only then can you give that same joy you will feel to those who mean most to you in life. Take your time, and create an existence worth loving, worth living, worth watching, worth caring and worth your time.
I need time away. I need time away from everyone I know in this moment. Loretta, Teresa, Chico, Marveina, L’aurelei, Vanessa, Freddy, Arturo, Sharla, Bridget etc…I need to just focus on myself right now. I will immerse myself into music without a plan B. This is do or die. I’m tired of being dead. I want to live. I want to grow, and I want to be a resource to those I love.
I have this overwhelming sadness in my spirit that is beginning to bleed into life. It feels like everyone I care about is turning on me, and I am forced to wonder what the part that I play in this whole life is. Some part of me says that It’s this deep seated resentment I have towards myself for not being the man that I know that I am to be. Right now I have no money, no job, no girl, no car, no place and what feels like nobody. I wish I were capable of crying, and I’m trying to force/allow some tears to experience catharsis….to no avail. Tonight I told my twin sister whom I love so dearly “Fuck You”. I didn’t really feel to bad about it when I did it. It seemed like the perfect representation of exactly what I felt at the time. I wonder if I have gone too far, if our relationship is beyond repair…..
A couple of days ago I pressed my aunt’s buttons until she “excused me” from the office. Whatever that means. I had been thinking of resigning for a few days, and I saw my out. We haven’t discussed that face to face, and I can definitely feel the coldness freezing in my heart towards her…but for no good reason. This is something that I brought upon me.
I feel like I have a great grip on reality when it comes to everyone but me, and I just can’t seem to understand why. What am I doing right? What am I doing wrong? All that bullshit doesn’t even matter to me right now because it’s about what I have to do. Music. I’ve played myself for far too long and haven’t given myself the chance to feel and live the life that I want to live. THAT is why I am representing hatred, and anger to all those around me…because I feel that way towards myself. No more. I forgive you L’aurence for not treating your life with the care and concern that you treated others. I forgive you L’aurence for experimenting with different roads in life, you’ve gained useful knowledge. I forgive you L’aurence for “checking out” of the “working world” to see what it means to truly skirt by. Now, I beseech you to live your bliss. It is only then can you give that same joy you will feel to those who mean most to you in life. Take your time, and create an existence worth loving, worth living, worth watching, worth caring and worth your time.
I need time away. I need time away from everyone I know in this moment. Loretta, Teresa, Chico, Marveina, L’aurelei, Vanessa, Freddy, Arturo, Sharla, Bridget etc…I need to just focus on myself right now. I will immerse myself into music without a plan B. This is do or die. I’m tired of being dead. I want to live. I want to grow, and I want to be a resource to those I love.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Perspective
One of the reasons I'm using this blog is to review and improve my writing and my life. Right now, I'm in a space where I want to see results fast. I'm ready to be living in my own place, driving my own car, making my own millions and just really creating the life that I know I am destined to live. Thinking logically and critically, I do not have to wait until tomorrow to start designging this life. More on that later...
One of the things that I have been taking note of are the people I allow into my perception of life. In examining a few of the friendships/relationships that I have I've encountered a bit of a paradox. These people are my friends, and I have chosen them to be in my reality. Why should these people be anythiing less than amazing, supportive, intelligent, honest & caring? They shouldn't. I won't accept anything less. This really has left me wondering what purpose certain relationships served...ah well It is time to prune the friendship bonsai and make sure that they new leaves have room for growth. I'm going over all these people with a fine tooth comb, and where I can give I will allow to grow, and where I can't I must leave alone. Personal mastery is the journey that I am on and I look forward to experiencing and sharing it
One of the things that I have been taking note of are the people I allow into my perception of life. In examining a few of the friendships/relationships that I have I've encountered a bit of a paradox. These people are my friends, and I have chosen them to be in my reality. Why should these people be anythiing less than amazing, supportive, intelligent, honest & caring? They shouldn't. I won't accept anything less. This really has left me wondering what purpose certain relationships served...ah well It is time to prune the friendship bonsai and make sure that they new leaves have room for growth. I'm going over all these people with a fine tooth comb, and where I can give I will allow to grow, and where I can't I must leave alone. Personal mastery is the journey that I am on and I look forward to experiencing and sharing it
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