Realty check.

October 7, 2011

I have this overwhelming sadness in my spirit that is beginning to bleed into life. It feels like everyone I care about is turning on me, and I am forced to wonder what the part that I play in this whole life is. Some part of me says that It’s this deep seated resentment I have towards myself for not being the man that I know that I am to be. Right now I have no money, no job, no girl, no car, no place and what feels like nobody. I wish I were capable of crying, and I’m trying to force/allow some tears to experience catharsis….to no avail. Tonight I told my twin sister whom I love so dearly “Fuck You”. I didn’t really feel to bad about it when I did it. It seemed like the perfect representation of exactly what I felt at the time. I wonder if I have gone too far, if our relationship is beyond repair…..
A couple of days ago I pressed my aunt’s buttons until she “excused me” from the office. Whatever that means. I had been thinking of resigning for a few days, and I saw my out. We haven’t discussed that face to face, and I can definitely feel the coldness freezing in my heart towards her…but for no good reason. This is something that I brought upon me.

I feel like I have a great grip on reality when it comes to everyone but me, and I just can’t seem to understand why. What am I doing right? What am I doing wrong? All that bullshit doesn’t even matter to me right now because it’s about what I have to do. Music. I’ve played myself for far too long and haven’t given myself the chance to feel and live the life that I want to live. THAT is why I am representing hatred, and anger to all those around me…because I feel that way towards myself. No more. I forgive you L’aurence for not treating your life with the care and concern that you treated others. I forgive you L’aurence for experimenting with different roads in life, you’ve gained useful knowledge. I forgive you L’aurence for “checking out” of the “working world” to see what it means to truly skirt by. Now, I beseech you to live your bliss. It is only then can you give that same joy you will feel to those who mean most to you in life. Take your time, and create an existence worth loving, worth living, worth watching, worth caring and worth your time.

I need time away. I need time away from everyone I know in this moment. Loretta, Teresa, Chico, Marveina, L’aurelei, Vanessa, Freddy, Arturo, Sharla, Bridget etc…I need to just focus on myself right now. I will immerse myself into music without a plan B. This is do or die. I’m tired of being dead. I want to live. I want to grow, and I want to be a resource to those I love.