I speak the Dharma elevated are my stats, I done fell in love with Karma so I stay comin back. Just inspired to write this verse for fun. I wonder now what life was like when I started this website. Did I have so much free time, or was I simply looking to be heard? I be thinking about what it really takes to allow oneself to be contented in a form of expression, and as of late I have come to realize that those people who are truly into expressing themselves are never contented. I'm not so sure if wondering is the best word as it is considering or exploring. More so than ever I feel like Nigel Thornberry, just taken an expedition in the Jungle that is life. It's almost like when I take pictures of Pokemon for Pokemon safari. I just want to get as many beautiful angles as possible so that when I start scrap booking I can enjoy my creations. I'm really learning to appreciate my music for what it really is. Instead of saying "Oh I sing R&B" I just allow creative energy to engulf me. When I read over a text, or a verse and I see my inspiration, I am consciously amazed that some works seem like album oriented rock or country.

Sold My Soul to ME!

Writing this post today has to be part of some relief that I am hoping for. Since I have posted last there hasn't been much of an actual difference. I learened that you can always trust yourself to kick your own ass, however people will gladly make that happen for you. One of the reasons I am looking forward to starting this blog spot shit again is to empty my head of a lot of the self deafeatedting thoughts I have. Really its to look back on all this and laugh someday. So the deal is that I am out on the streets for the 3rd time now, and they say that the third time is the charm? So I decided to work through the Youth Center on Highland in order to find out what it means to be a "local celebrity". Many people frequent this center, and from what I have been able to gather have either the sickest dilluousions of granduer, or the brightest hope for their lives. I wonder which category I fall under at this point? Staying in the hollywood area is continuously making me more fearless. I have also taken to sunbathing at the loews hotel for their strawberry lemonade. Well italian lunch at the center calls so I'll be biting!!

The Pattern of Prevelance

What the fuck does that title even mean? Good question. Consistantly outshining, overcoming, outlasting and generally killing competition/adversity. How does one cultivate a pattern of prevailence? By consistently striving to crush all opposition.

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The way it is

Lately I have been realizing that I have everything I need. What it is about life, my percetion of it, that allows me to think that I lack? Is it only when I look to what others have or what I want in the future that I begin to victimize my current situation? I am no longer interested in finding the fault in the moment as there is none. What more can I ask of this life than the unfolding of my visions moment by moment. The moment reveals the careless whispers of yesterdays anger and despondence just as systematically as it reveals the sweet dreams of last nights journey to oblivion.
What then is one to do when bestowed with the power of the infinite in a world that is meant to perish? Whatever you desire, and that's the way it is.

You've Got the Music in You

This post is me writing to figure out the exact details of my debut mixtape/album. The one thing I have wanted more than anything ever since I can remember is to sing. When I was younger, it was commonplace for me to learn a new song at school only to come home and sing to my family. I can remember when I first learned how to sing the national anthem in kindergarten. I was beyond excited to share this new song with my family. As soon as I got home, I raced up the stairs, climbed onto the mantle and took down an American Flag where my pops kept his Laker Pennants and started going at it...."Oooo Sayyy can You seee"...both my Mom and Dad were at home ( a rare occassion since Mom worked days and my Dad fished or Hunted at Night) and the applause was thunderous after. From then on I knew that's what I wanted to do. It was sometime later, around 2nd grade when I started to perfrom in talent shows and really hone my craft. Now, working on a Mixtape, I've found myself really reaching back to the core of why I started music. It was High School where I really wanted to begin pursuing music. I searched high and low for places that would allow me to perform. I formed several short lived harmony groups that showcased my talent and drive for stardom. Along the way I've had highs and lows. High: Meeting Mariah Carey, Colby O'Donis, Father MC & Performing for Jovenes Inc. lows: getting ripped off my Colby O' Donis' Father, missing an opportunity to share my demo and just lagging on the mixtape. I am now at a place where I can really stand back and ask myself, what it is that I want to do with my music. Do I want to get signed to a record label? Do I want to be an indie artist who sings at coffee shops? Do I want to simply perform for friends and family or do I want to be a world renown recording artis. I chose the latter. In choosing to want the whole enchilada, I've realized that certain steps need to be taken to accomplish this. I have put sooo much pressure on myself to release this debut on July 4 that I think instead of becoming motivating I allowed it to become depression. Isn't that all depression is, backwards motivation? The motivation to do nothing, instead of something? Don't get me wrong, I am not lounging on the couch drinking 40s and watching Juice over and over again (that was last week), I just felt a certain amount of negativity surrounding this release. Fuck that. The truth is, although I know that I am destined to sell 100 million records, have 10 #1 singles and etch my place in the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame...right now I just want to be heard. I keep wanting to determine whether or not this is a mixtape an album or a demo...Let me explain the differences: A Mixtape is a promotional tool primarily used by rappers ( & now R&B Singers) to showcase a wide range of material. Often these mixtapes incorporate instrumentals from popular songs, or samples of other songs and usually are free (to avoid paying for copyright & allow the artist to reach a wider fanbase). Mixtapes need not have a coherent theme and songs can be as diverse as the artist chooses. An album is a solid body of work where the artist decides to create a commonality among the pieces, themes often include love, money, where the artist is in his/her life or a satirical look at certain events. Albums can be played in their entirety and are usually packaged for commercial release (sold). A demo is a portfolio of sorts that artists use in order to showcase their earning potential to labels. A label will then choose to create a financiang package (read "DEAL") with an Artist to provide the proper budgeting in the hopes of a massive return. Here's what I want. A Demo that dares to be as creative as a mixtape while containing the coherence of an album. For the last week or so, I have been recording snippets of song ideas that I've been inspired to write...and they have been great. I haven't, however, finished ANY of them. With the release date 37 days away...I'm feeling the burn. Oh! I know I can create a schedule for myself that says how many songs I have to write each week and then I will have enough material to choose from when I record. I will write 30 songs and choose the 10 best to go on the Mixtape.

Barbecue with a Side of Rehab

Life (Read: God, The Universe, Reality, You, I) has an interesting way of making the thoughts in our head, appear to make sense in reality. Each day I am gracefully awakened by the awareness of existence, I implore God to reveal an understanding that will encourage me to live more fully. After enduring the better part what was both an enormously pleasant/painful experience (Shout out to Brie for celebrating another birthday-Get your grown & sexy on cuzzo! I see You) (Whisper to Thai/London-Congratulations on getting the Courtney Love Golden Pinnaple Award for HAM of the Year) I was engaed in conversation by my older cousin Marveina on the way to work that evening. Marveina, who is versed in both wordly knowledge & academia (Ex 1time who studied @ Pepperdine), is oft a fount of unconvential wisdom (& mercisless coldness see previous posts) & yesterday's lesson began to unravel as unorthodox as any. "Damn that Smells Good" Marveina gushed as the swinging mesquite of Barbeque fucked the dog shit out of our noses "Hell Yeah, I wish I had some right now". "Why?" She asked, her tone noticeably more collected then when we initially allowed ourselves to drift to Muslim Hell (Pork Ribs Anyone?)"Simply because you smell it? We both just finished eating at Mom's." "Yeah I know, but if I could afford it I would eat it." I replied aquiesing somewhat. "I'm sure you can, but you don't really want it. It would be a waste. You just wanted because you smell it, not because you really want to enjoy BBQ right now." Immediately a lightbulb went on. This conversation reminded me of an excerpt that I had recently read in the 7 Habits of Highly Successful People: "The ability to subordinate an impulse to a value is the essence of the proactive person." (Franklin, Covey). I know damn well Marveina hasn't read Franklin Covey (Cliff Notes anyone?) but she was able to ascertain this truth of the successful and relay it to me over a conversation about fucking barbeque. My mind was blown, and the truth was I could afford it. I had just gotten paid, albeit it mostly rent money, but still I could afford to get cigarettes. I realize now I was instictively using "fear of affordability" as a mechanism for cognitive dissonance(1). After parting ways at the bus stop, we bid eachother farewell with jokes and warm wishes. This set the stage for the continuation of an important lesson. While I was on the bus I came into awareness of a beautiful twenty something Senegalese woman. Her movements, graceful, and her smile disarming, I initiated a conversation with her as she sat down next to me. Before long we began to talk about what brought her from East Africa to Los Angeles. She mentioned that she was studying psychology (is it me, or does everyone seemingly study psychology?) and I asked her which school of thought in which she found herself most interested. "School of thought...umm wow...I'd have to think." An amusingly puzzled look swam accross her face until the light of inspiration shone "Rational & Cognative Behavioral Therapy". "Continue" I beckoned. She then began to explain that both of these approaches to psychotherapy (a methodology for turning your shit crazy brain into a preemtive chocolate factory for sexy life affirming thoughts) aim to teach the patient that rational thoughts aligned with rational behaviors produce moods that are condusive to effective life navigation (Happy-ness for you non-harvard grads), while irrational thoughts and behaviors (i.e. I want to loose weight but I just ordered extra carmel on my upside down, whip cream heavy Mocha Choca Lata yaya) produce negative moods since they are not inline with what we have deemed our correct course of action. Always aiming to give as much or more than I received I offered another question "Would you be interested in exploring a depper understanding of Jungian Psychology?" I had arrived at my stop. "That sounds wonderful L'aurence" we exchanged numbers & I got off. While the core of these thoughts are everything but new (see old cliche's such as "Do what you say and say what you do") the idea of integrating these theories as a means of achieving greater control of one's thought process is somewhat facinating. Although I have been engaging in this kind of thought play for at least the last 8 months, it was refreshing (& somewhat validating) to find out that it has been growing since Albert Ellis' system, originated in the early 1950s. This stream of thought lead me to ponder one of the most controversial habits in which I've allowed myself to indulge: smoking cigarettes. A few months ago I made myself a promise that once I obtained my Prop 215 Identification card (Insomnia, you'll never catch me sleeping)I would void myself of the cigarette habit. Since then I have noticed that cigarettes have either suddenly become less attractive to me, or that Marlboro's changed their recipe. Even when I bought them the last time (this morning) I found a strange uneasiness with the first drag. Could this have something to do with the fact that I effectively "cursed" my cigarette use? Is the Universe trying to tell me that I'm long overdue on my promise? Exploring this thought throught the framework of Cognitive Behavior therapy & Covey's suborniation theory helped me to arrive at this conclusion: the value that I have placed on my Prop 215 card is slowly but surely erroding the value I have placed on cigarettes. Further thought explorations: Where can I eliminate actions that are not in line with my values? Where can I introduce actions that will support my values? What impulses most directly disarm my values? How can I learn to recognize when an impulse is in play as opposed to a value? Where the weed at? Notes for Understanding: Thanks Wikipedia! *Therapists or computer-based programs use CBT techniques to help individuals challenge their patterns and beliefs and replace "errors in thinking such as overgeneralizing, magnifying negatives, minimizing positives and catastrophizing" with "more realistic and effective thoughts, thus decreasing emotional distress and self-defeating behavior".CBT helps individuals replace "maladaptive ... coping skills, cognitions, emotions and behaviors with more adaptive ones", by challenging an individual's way of thinking and the way that he/she reacts to certain habits or behaviors. **This particular article featured The Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT, I know right?) adapted from Cognitive Behavioral therapy. *** This article also featured elements of Rational Behavior Therapy (RBT) a form of Cognitive behavioral therapy developed by psychiatrist Dr. Maxie C. Maultsby, Jr. a professor at the Medical College at Howard University. RBT is designed to be a short term therapy which is based on the belief of discovering an unsuspected problem which creates unwanted mental, emotional and physical behaviors.

The Update

The Background:
So some time has passed since my last post about what I was doing with this amazing life I've been given...and I have to say it's had its ups and downs. I have since begun living at Jovenes Inc. which is a shelter aimed at ending homelessness and preparing young men aged 18-24 with the tools that they need to become productive members of society. I have also begun working as a security professional with Universal Protection Service. All in all I've saved $1,700.00 towards moving to my own apartment. How's the music? Well it's been slow. Although I started out on fire quickly writing and recording 2 monster tracks "Welcome" and "Change" my fervor has trailed off in favor of getting my home life situation. That being said, there's a war going on right now and I'm not sure what side I'm on. The truth is, because you know that's all I can give you, I've been slipping majorly. I think that because I'm the greatest CONvincer the game has seen that I can get away with murder (police who will read this in the future, this does not count as an admission and I'd like to motion that this be stricken from evidence as it was clearly written while I faced hardship and emotional distress). Mind you, that this is nearly a 100% true, what I can't get away with is leaving lose ends. To that effect, I'm challenging myself. Today being Mardi Gras, means that the beginning of Lent is at hand. Although I haven't been going to church regularly (Shout Out to JC, I see you) I feel particularly inspired to take my spirituality back to its roots in Catholicism where order and regalia abound. In order to participate in the new life that Jesus will bring, I am choosing to sacrifice: Cigarettes, Weed, Alcohol, Meat and at least 2 hours a day towards God. What could I possibly mean by that? I mean that I am purposefully rejecting the aforementioned items and implementing the previously allotted time to just be in a state of gratitude for my existence. I spend so much time attempting to amass great fortune, realize lofty ideals and solve the world's problems without taking enough time to just experience it all, and that is precisely what I will do.

Right now: I'm gathering a small team of musically inclined individuals who will help me create the mixtape of my dreams. It was an important realization that I did could utilize the help of others in the actualization of my goal. The death of Whitney Houston has also inpsired me to continue developing my voice. "What life is there to live, If I squander the gifts I've been given to give" I am also working to get right back into the Real Estate grind, my mouthpiece is too fucking cold not to be making money. I'm also reading "Rich Dad Poor Day" by Rob Kiosaki in order to get a greater understanding of how ideals relate to money and I found an interesting quote that I read previously in the book "The Game of Life and how to play it" "Money accentuates the mental patterns you have in your head"...boy is that true.

Shit Session:
I hate the fact that everything that I do is scrutinized. Yes I know it was Uncle Ben (not the rice guy) that said "With Great Power comes great responsibility" but damn. Whoever the fuck said freedom isn't free (Hitchcock) wasn't lying. The way that I attempt to frame this experience is training me for what life will be like in the public eye. People will have nearly 100% access to my whereabouts and who withs and although there is no shame in my game, some shit I get over waaay too quickly to want to discuss again. Eh C'est la vie.